The Emotional Bank Account

The Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor describing relationships and the P/PC (Production versus building Production Capacity) balance for interdependence. It describes how trust is built on a relationship. Stephen Covey (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) uses the metaphor of Emotional Bank Account to describe "the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship" (p. 188).

Positive behaviors are deposits building a reserve. Negative behaviors are withdrawals. A high reserve balance results in higher tolerance for our mistakes and more open communication.

There are six major deposits we can make to the emotional bank account:

1. Understanding the individual. An individual's values determine what actions will result in a deposit or a withdrawal for that individual. To build a relationship, you must learn what is important to the other person and make it as important to you as the other person is to you. Understand others deeply as individuals and then treat them in terms of that understanding.

2. Attend to the little things, which are the big things in relationships.

3. Keep commitments. Breaking a promise is a major withdrawal.

4. Clarify expectations. The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in ambiguous, conflicting expectations around roles and goals. Making an investment of time and effort up front saves time, effort and a major withdrawal later.

5. Show personal integrity. A lack of integrity can undermine almost any effort to create a high trust reserve. Honesty requires conforming our words to reality. Integrity requires conforming reality to our words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. The key to the many is the one, especially the one that tests the patience and good humor of the many. How you treat the one reveals how you regard the many, because everyone is ultimately a one.

6. Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal. Sincere apologies are deposits, but repeated apologies are interpreted as insincere, resulting in withdrawals.

Often we are stuck in our own way of thinking and look at the world outside in the same way. To understand the individual means to consider the difference and to cultivate a genuine interest.

Do we ask questions with an open mind and heart?

The love and care we feel for another person is expressed in little things, small gestures, courtesies. It is important not to underestimate those. When we consciously set the intention "to be kind" on a daily basis, then our actions are influenced by that. What are the aspirations and intentions that guide us?

We need to be careful when we make commitments. Not to keep them is a major withdrawal from our emotional bank account. What are we really able and willing to commit ourselves to?

Unclear expectations can undermine our communication and trust. "The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals." (Covey, p.194) What are our expectations? Do we communicate them with each other?

We show personal integrity when we "walk our talk". We also manifest it by refraining from talking badly about someone else, by being "loyal to those who are not present" (ibid. p. 196).

When we make a mistake and someone else gets hurt, it is important to sincerely apologize, from the heart. This is hard to do for people with little inner security. Covey quotes Leo Roskin saying: "It is the weak who are cruel. Softness can only be expected from the strong." (ibid. p.198)

As we become more loving with ourselves, it is easier to be loving with others. This process can be supported by both partners in an intimate relationship.

We often suggest to couples we work with to cultivate good will by taking time for each other, focusing on what is good in the relationship, and sharing at least one praise a day with each other. It doesn’t have to be big. It may be something that you got used to and took for granted. Notice! Be thankful!

Of course, we can also offer a smile, a kind gesture, a friendly comment to people we work with, to our neighbours, the man/woman in the shop. Just notice how it makes you feel, and observe how you become more and more wealthy on all your emotional bank accounts.